TTOB bonus 02, The Tao of Badass
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]Monogamy vs.
Polyamory
Monogamy vs.
Polyamory
Once you’ve built conidence in yourself and the material we’ve
gone over in this book, you’ll start meeting lots of women and you’ll
have to decide whether you want to be with one woman or several
women at the same time. I know that the natural response of most
men will be “Of course I want to be with several women!” but being
a “player” and being polyamorous are two very different things. A
player lies to the women he’s with so that they have no idea he’s
seeing other people. This doesn’t even require actively lying – a
player can easily deceive the women he’s dating without lying outright.
Polyamory, in contrast, means having many relationships at the same
time with the consent of all involved. A lot of guys consider this to
be the holy grail of dating, but it’s not dificult to achieve when you
understand the rules, and you understand why polyamory works and
what the beneits are. To be polyamorous successfully, you must also
be aware of the negative aspects of having open relationships and
know how to tell when polyamorous relationships aren’t going to
work out.
Personally, I feel that you should only be monogamous with someone
when you feel that there’s a chance that you could be in love with
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MonogaMy vs. PolyaMory
that person. If you can’t see yourself marrying someone after being
with her for a while, then you’re wasting her time and your time by
continuing the relationship.
notes
Let’s talk about serial monogamy for a moment, because serial
monogamy is something that a lot of men and women experience.
A serial monogamist is someone who bounces from relationship to
relationship without ever really inding the person they’re looking
for. They’re single only for short periods of time, and latch on
immediately when they ind someone new to be in a relationship
with.
Think of this desperate desire to have a relationship as a race with
hurdles. A relationship is the inal hurdle, so to get to it you have to
jump over a lot of other hurdles irst. If, like a lot of guys, you’re
too focused on the last hurdle, you won’t clear any of the other ones
because you’re not paying enough attention to them. You won’t even
make it to the last one!
If you go out in search of women who are looking for relationships,
you won’t be able to create attraction, build rapport, have sexual
tension and attraction, and ultimately gain the interest of the woman
that you desire because you’ll be so focused on the end goal that you
will ignore the process. Approaching relationships in this way causes
a great deal of neediness, which is incredibly unattractive to women.
To igure out if monogamy or polyamory is right for you, you must
examine your relationship, in the most honest way possible, and
ask “Is this woman going to have everything necessary to make
me comfortable with being with her for the rest of my life?” This
doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to marry her – it just
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MonogaMy vs. PolyaMory
means that she has the potential to be the person you choose to
monogamously have a relationship with for the rest of your life.
notes
The perfect woman is not going to appear out of nowhere. If you’re
looking for the perfect woman, you should probably stop reading
this because that’s not how life and relationships work. Instead of
meeting someone who is already the perfect woman, you’re going to
meet someone who wants to become the perfect woman for you.
There are two mentalities when it comes to monogamous and
polyamorous relationships: the abundance mentality and the scarcity
mentality. A person has the abundance mentality when he realizes
that he has lots of options when it comes to the women he dates.
If you don’t feel like you have a lot of options (a side effect of
having limiting beliefs), then you have the scarcity mentality. Many
men have a natural tendency to assume the scarcity mentality, and
as a consequence they think that every woman who is interested in
them might be the last. As you can probably guess, this creates a lot
of unappealing neediness. The neediness will then lead to a man
becoming jealous, territorial, and unattractive. Banish the scarcity
mentality now, or it will ruin every one of your future relationships.
When you are with someone that you want to be with
monogamously, you still need to feel that you have options. Your
mentality should be that you know that you have plenty of options,
but that you have chosen the best one. This is the only way you can
truly trust your judgment. Every decision you make comes from the
mental state you are in when you make it, so where relationships are
concerned you need to make decisions from an abundance mentality.
Otherwise, every decision you make will be inluenced by the fear that
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MonogaMy vs. PolyaMory
you will never ind the woman of your dreams. Constantly worrying
that you will never ind the right woman will cause you to act in ways
that repulse women, so your fear will become reality.
notes
Believing that you have options – even if you don’t actually see them
– will change your success rate dramatically. When you meet the
woman of your dreams, you need to be in the abundance mental state
so that you feel like you are choosing her over all of the other options
you have.
The irst thing you need to do when you meet a woman is decide if
she’s someone you want to be monogamous with or polyamorous
with. To do that, you need to use a system created by Robert
Sternberg, a psychologist who studies relationship psychology and
the psychology of love, in the 1980s. I’m going to use terminology
that’s a little bit different than what he originally used, but the
basic ideas are the same. Sternberg created something called the
triangular theory of love (though I prefer to call it the consummate
love triangle). The consummate love triangle is the idea that three
different things are needed in order for us to fall in love with
someone, and that those three things must be mutual for a healthy
relationship to occur.
Sexual attraction is the irst part of the consummate love triangle.
You can easily tell if you do or do not have sexual attraction, so I’m
not going to discuss it here. The second part is logical attraction.
Logical attraction is largely an indicator of logistical issues. Ask
yourself “Does it make complete, logical sense for me to be with
this person?” Does she live in the same city? Is her life direction the
same as mine? Is the timing right? A lack of logical attraction is the
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